“That shit friend…”

The shit friend/lap around friend syndrome:

“What did I call it… the lap-around? That’s that shit friend you really hate. But you have this thing… it’s not even really by choice. They just lap-around every so often, and they give you a shit storm, and then you have to deal with it. They ruin your life. And, then, a fucking year-ass later them bitches back again. And you wanna forgive them because you’re like “I’ve been friends with you for like twenty fuckin’ years…. Sure. Okay. I know you’re shitty. And you do. You hang out with them bitches, and they fuck you over. Again. AGAIN. And, then, you got this friend like me that’s like, ‘just cut it!’ I’ve always been able to tell – that’s that friend. That’s that shit friend.” 

Think of the one friend that circulates back around in your life after multiple periods of absence. This “friend” falls out of favor with you over anything, from differences of opinion to her/his obnoxious penchant for drama. Maybe you’re the shit friend’s security blanket? You’re that one solid friend who’s only interesting to them when they find themselves in a pickle. You’ve got the resources and compassion to help. And you do. You help because you’re the good friend, unlike shit friend. Shit friend laps back around when she needs help. She laps back around when she thinks your anger over the previous shit storm(s) she caused has abated. She laps back around because you guys have years, a history of friendship, and a lot of mutual acquaintances.

friendshipHow exactly do shit friends lap back around and get away with it? They’re adept at soliciting pity and inciting guilt for absolutely nothing. They simply make you feel guilty for standing up to them, stating your opinion, or telling them no. Shit friends are able to lap back around every couple of years because they’ve known you forever. Typically, they know which heart-strings to pull. The only way to break ties with a shit friend is simply to stop caring. As long as you give a damn about them and their drama, they’ll keep lapping back around.

If your shit friend is a member of a shit group, this is a particularly difficult problem. Chances are many, or all, of your friends are of this group. Sometimes you just have to clean house and take the garbage out. You may be temporarily lonely, but it’s not too difficult to make knew friends in the age of social media. Simply look to your interests. Join a bowling league or a book club. Take up a new hobby. Volunteer for causes you’re passionate about. Get involved in a political campaign. All of the above are great ways to make a new circle of friends.

Shutting the door on a past friendship is difficult; as time fades, we tend to remember the good over the bad. It’s helpful to have a couple healthy friends remind you why you had to close the door. If you’re the journal type, simply refer back to old entries. Guilt at ending a toxic friendship should be squashed by a recollection of the damage shit friend did to your life. shit friends are emotional terrorists.

Usually, shit friends are great at manipulation. They’re good at taking your words out of context, misquoting you, purposefully obfuscating facts, and making you look stupid or crazy. You have to make the conscious decision to sever ties with your shit friend. Often, you don’t seemingly have a choice because shit friend is so attached to your life, your past, your friends and family. If you have mutual friendships, you’ll have to be the classy, high-road one. Don’t bring mutual acquaintances into your business with shit friend other than to inform them that shit friend is no longer a part of your life. They should already be aware of the reasons why. If they ask, consider a brief synopsis and leave it at that.

Attributes of a shit/lap around friend:

  • They talk over you. Shit friends often finish your sentences for you in that very annoying way, which makes you look dumb and feel exposed. Shit friend is especially good at this when you’re being terse and private. The personal info you leave out of a conversation will be filled in by shit friend. I had a shit friend tell a former acquaintance where I lived. I’d made it known I didn’t want my location tritely handed out. This same shit friend blurbed the personal accounts of my engagement of marriage to the dean of my department.
  • Shit friend latches on like a barnacle when they think you’re going somewhere. If life is good – on the up and up – they gonna ride those tailcoats.
  • Shit friends are too up in your life. They seem to always be present when shit hits the fan. Sometimes this is because they’re the ones stirring the shit pot. Shit friends love a shit tornado.
  • Shit friends have a lot to say about everybody. And you can damn well bet they’re saying a lot about you to everybody. If someone will gossip about others to you, they’ll gossip about you to others.
  • The shit friend will expect to meet everybody in your life, wanting to be a part of every other relationship. But don’t expect her to reciprocate. She’ll only introduce you to select people. This may be because she wants to keep you to herself, or she’s afraid of you forming friendships with her friends.
  • Shit friends often enmesh themselves in your hard times, often feigning support. Really she’s just stirring up shit. She likes drama. The advice she gives will be detrimental to you and your life. And when she “stands up” for you, it will make situations worse.
  • Shit friend loves to get involved in your personal affairs. She over-steps boundaries in all aspects of your life, including your family. The shit friend hypocritically declares her boundaries, or times when she’s available, but doesn’t respect yours.
  • You’ll have more than one account of betrayal by your shit friend. Whether she took the side of a nasty ex who threatened you and your little sister, or she brings unhealthy people into your life, she betrays you for a surge of drama.
  • Shit friends are usually passive-aggressively destructive in their bad advice, but they tend to be snarky when you’re having a really good day. They are joy-kills. They’ll give you a back-handed compliment. A typical emotional terrorist ploy shit friend uses is the helpful insult. She’ll say something that’s “honest” just to tear you down and make you doubt yourself. It’s not honesty; it’s ugly jealousy.

In truth, shit friends are aware of everything they’ve done to you. If shit friend was half the person s/he thought themselves to be, they’d apologize and change their shitty ways. Don’t hold your breath. Some people never change.  Some people are incapable of change, especially when they’re addicted to drama and bad behavior.

healthy vs unhealthy friendships